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Love of the Bard |
Disclaimer:
These characters are the sole property of Ren Pics and Universal. I mean no offence in borrowing them briefly to write this story, and promise to return them in good condition.
Subtext: Subtext? Yes but more maintext from one side. This story also contains romantic feelings between two adult women. If this bothers you, you are under the age of 18, or if it is illegal where you live, please do not read any further.
Violence:No violence…anger but not violence.
Sex: Nothing explicit.
Spoilers: This story has spoilers for several episodes including; The Quest, Necessary Evil, Ides of March, Animal Attraction, Heart of Darkness, When Fates Collide, Many Happy Returns and A Friend in Need.
Acknowledgments: Thanks to Whipser for beta reading for me, and Ape as you’ve been a beacon of inspiration and encouragement as always.
Feedback: Always appreciated, what better way to improve your writing? Constructive criticism though please. Abusive comments will be ignored. Email me at: gravitystar@mylittlebard.com
Based after the events of AFIN. What would have happened if Gabrielle had been in love with Xena for all those years, but the love hadn’t always been returned?
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| Love of a Bard Prologue - Current Day I loved her from the start. That much I know now. I didn’t know what it was to begin with, but there were several names I had used at the time: hero worship, adoration, friendship. Now I realise it was all the same. What I felt then; what I still feel now. But with her loss, it’s all I can do to breathe. Putting how I feel into words has always been something I’m good at. But now, at this moment, I’m finding it harder than ever. No longer does her sword sharpening complement the fluid movement of my quill on the parchment. No longer does she peer over my shoulder in a playful attempt to see if I am writing about her. I always was of course, but she was never really that interested. It was just, as I found out many times; she was more playful than she led people to believe. Yet here I am, despite the difficulty of lifting a quill, scrawling these words onto parchment, I owe it to her. I owe it to myself. I spent months keeping it all bottled up inside, not showing the world my feelings about what happened that day. I spent years before that keeping hidden the way I felt for her. I don’t want to hide anymore. So here I give you the story of Gabrielle: The Battling Bard of Potedeia and her love for Xena: Warrior Princess.
Chapter 1 - 29 Years Ago The day I realised my love for her wasn’t anything special. You imagine birds calling, a light breeze blowing through her hair to emphasise her beauty, or even the world slowing down. Instead it hit me as we were laying on our bedrolls glancing at the stars. Nothing out of the ordinary, we did it almost every night, each seeing something different in the pattern of the sky. Hers always seemed to be practical. Typical Xena. “Where do you imagine yourself being in a year Gabrielle?” she asked out of nowhere. I turned to glance at her. Her face was a mask of concentration, a hint of worry growing in her eyes amongst the curiosity. “With you of course. Why?” Her eyes turned to meet mine, “You never wonder about a different life? Settling down with kids- ‘Perdicus’ “- studying at the academy- 'Didn’t I leave to live the adventures?’ “- or even going back home?” ‘Been there, done that, didn’t belong. Even Lila could see that’ I sighed, “Xena I’ve done all those things. Well I didn’t have kids, but the settling down urge was over ages ago. I don’t think it was ever really there.” “You’re honestly saying you want to spend the rest of your life travelling around the countryside fighting warlords?” I smiled, “I’m honestly saying I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” It was true. It hit me then and there. I did want to spend the rest of my life with Xena. I didn’t want anybody else. This woman had completely taken me over, heart and soul. As much of a shock as it was, I somehow managed to keep the realisation out of my expression. She studied me for a few more minutes, and I was afraid that she had seen the sudden knowledge in my eyes, but eventually she settle back down, accepting my response as the truth. I sighed inwardly with relief, needing to sort out my feelings alone before even contemplating letting her know. When had that happened? When had my hero worship and utter adoration for the woman beside me all of a sudden transformed into love? There was no denying the word, as it would appear I had been doing for a while. She had worked her way in, I had willingly let her, and now she held my heart in her hand as firmly and certainly as she held her sword. “We ought to get some sleep. Early start in the morning,” her voice drifted over, and I closed my eyes at the sound of it, hoping she didn’t notice. This was going to take some getting used to.
We rose early the next morning, just like Xena had said we would. Few words were exchanged over breakfast, and I could tell my friend thought something was wrong with me. On the contrary, I felt wonderful. I felt as if the heavens had parted and were constantly sending down rays of sunlight to fill me. My body felt lighter with the realisation of the love I felt for my stoic travelling companion. Though I was certain the thing that was causing Xena to look at me oddly was the grin that had been plastered across my face since she had awakened me from sleep. The question that now bugged me was whether or not I should let my friend in on the little secret I now held within my heart. How would she take it to know that her best friend and travelling companion had fallen in love with her? There was no doubt in my mind that Xena would at least try to understand. We had both been through a lot together, and the fact that Xena cared for me more than she has cared for anyone, was something I was certain about. So a declaration of love wasn’t necessarily something that I imagined being sent away for. On the other hand, it could change everything between us. It could make every gesture of friendship I gave Xena all the more meaningful. I was afraid that my friend would see an ulterior motive behind everything. A hug would be interpreted as a need to get close, snuggling under the blankets to keep each other warm on a cold night could easily be seen as an excuse to feel Xena body against mine. Although I shuddered slightly at the pleasurable thought, these second guesses were not something I wanted Xena to be having. So I decided to stay silent. At least for now. Later that day we stopped for lunch by a lake. Xena decided that we both needed a bath, and insisted on my joining her for a swim. We had done it before, and modesty wasn’t a luxury you could afford on the road. However, with my new realisation I wasn’t sure how I would react to a wet, naked Warrior Princess. But we stripped off anyway, me trying my best to look in another direction until I heard a delighted splash before turning to face the water. My body’s reactions were not something I was used to. My very brief wedding night with Perdicus was my first ever encounter with what people call ‘sexual craving’, and still that was nothing compared to how I was reacting now. My skin flushed slightly and I was very aware of my own nakedness and the heat radiating off it as I watched my friend wash herself in the water. “Are you coming in or what Gabrielle?” Her voice startled me from my provocative thoughts, and I managed to get my reactions under control before joining her in the cool water.
I lay on my bedroll that night thinking about my current dilemma. It was going to be very hard not to respond to Xena’s body, of that I was certain. What I did have control over however, was how I hid those responses. So far I was certain my friend had not worked anything out and I was hoping to keep it that way. I sighed briefly as I glanced over to her bedroll, seeing a rare peaceful expression on her sleeping face. This wasn’t gong to be easy. But it was my only choice.
Chapter 2 - 29 Years Ago She kissed me! True it was in a dreamscape and she was in Autolycus’ body and she was dead…but SHE KISSED ME! I was ecstatic. Just that brief meeting of lips had been the best moment of my life. It wasn’t a declaration of love per say but it was enough to ignite a new hope within me. I was soaring again. I was certain it had been her, Autolycus had looked too confused when we pulled apart for it to have been him. Of course my ecstasy was also related to the fact that I had her back. She had been dead and had come back to me. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. I found myself staring at her all day, still not quite certain whether or not I was still in a dream. Many a night after she had died I had found myself dreaming of her coming back, or of the whole thing being a big mistake. Now I had to pinch myself constantly just to remind myself that she was really here. The question of what to do about the kiss was something else entirely, and not something I wanted to think about at that point. I just wanted to relish in the thought that it had happened, and that I had my warrior back. “Are you alright Gabrielle?” she asked me, noticing my staring once again. I smiled, “I couldn’t be happier Xena.” It was true. I was floating. We were still in the amazon village, recuperating after the whole escapade. Xena still needed to recover, get used to her body again. She had mentioned aches and pains when she we had finally gotten back to the Queen’s hut, but that had been to do with the stiffness of being dead, and her muscles getting used to being used again. It mustn’t have been pleasant, but it was something she would easily get through. The topic of me being Queen hadn’t come up yet, but I expected it to. I just hoped she didn’t think I wanted to stay behind. I didn’t care what it took, or how many amazon rules I had to break, I would find a way to leave with her again.
The scariest ordeal of my life was finally over. Valasca and Callisto buried forever in a lava pit, leaving Xena and I alone once more. No…the second scariest ordeal…the first being the loss of my warrior. Luckily for me Xena had recovered quickly. We had only been in the amazon village for two days before I handed my mask over to Ephiny and Valasca had attacked. Xena had then been solely concentrated on me and keeping me safe. Even unleashing our greatest enemy to do so. We had had no time whatsoever to be alone and talk about her death since leaving the amazons. The privacy of the amazon hut had been fine for me to cry with joy in her arms, and cling to her as if to never let go again, but I had been too insecure to discuss anything else. Truth be told I was scared. Scared to bring up the kiss for fear of what it was, or wasn’t. If I had interpreted it wrongly I could jeopardise everything I had been struggling to keep hidden for the past half a year. I decided to let her bring it up should the need arise. We travelled back to the amazons, intending on helping them with their repairs. Valasca had destroyed the village almost completely on her arrival, and it would take a while to get everything back into shape. We both felt partially responsible for the destruction, so it wasn’t even put up for discussion. The trip was long though, and on the way we decided to stop for the night in an inn, Xena made sure to keep an eye on me the whole time. The thing with Valasca had clearly shaken her. Never had I been such a focus for someone. The times in the past when people had held me captured, or tried to kill me to hurt Xena weren’t the same. Ultimately their sole focus had been my friend. Valasca had tried to kill me and me alone. Xena had just been in the way, an annoyance. I had to admit, hanging over that lava river had been terrifying. She sat me down and went to order food and a room. I sat their watching her, noticing that her eyes kept straying to me as if to make sure I was still there. I wasn’t sure whether to feel thrilled or concerned at the constant attention, as it meant her focus may be off in other areas. Not that there was that much to worry about in a tavern, but you could never be too certain when travelling with the Warrior Princess. She eventually returned to the table, announcing that she had managed to acquire a room for us, and the price didn’t seem too bad. Whilst I knew of the two of us, I was the barterer, when Xena was in a certain mood, just a look could bring down the price of an item. It was useful in times like these, though we were both cautious about not exploiting it too much. We had dinner, and talked for a while, though my friend’s attention appeared to only be half in the conversation, and half scanning the room. Eventually her eyes settled upon something, and thinking she had found trouble I glanced in the same direction. Sure the man in question was a warrior, merrily drinking with what appeared to be friends rather than his men. Having no idea why he was the focus of my warrior’s attention I turned back to her to ask, which is when I noticed the look. It wasn’t the same look I was talking about earlier, the one that aided us in getting a cheaper room, no this look was reserved only for those Xena seemed to find desirable. I had seen it with Marcus, and with a few random men along the way. It was a look I longed to see pointed in my direction. Realising it for what it was sent a sickening feeling to the pit of my stomach, and made me grateful I hadn’t jumped to any conclusions about the kiss. Clearly my friend’s eyes were elsewhere and more importantly still on the bad boy type she seemed to find attractive. Something I was never going to be. “Hey,” I said, pulling her focus back to me, “I’m a little tired. I think I’ll head up to bed. Xena nodded, “Okay, I’ll join you in a bit. Just gonna have another drink,” she replied, briefly glancing in the direction of the warrior. “Okay. I’ll probably see you in the morning then,” I assumed, allowing her to take it any way she wanted. My friend smiled, “I’ll see you. You deserve the sleep.” I stumbled up the stairs, and after finding our room, collapsed upon one of the cots. I tried my best to stop the tears, but they came flooding out of me with no control. So many emotions had gone through my system this past week, and it was somewhat a relief to be able to let some of it out. But jealousy and disappointment were paramount to how I was feeling at that point. I had never felt so alone.
I awoke the next morning to find Xena in the cot across from mine. I hadn’t heard her come in the night before, so I had no idea whether she had just drunk or…done something else, and I really didn’t want to ask. Instead of rising I lay there and stared at the ceiling, once again contemplating my predicament. It seemed to be the thing I thought about the most recently, as there was a constant battle going on inside of me as to whether or not to tell my companion. Last night had thrown whatever hope I had out of the window, and my heart grew heavy at the weight of what was most defiantly my unrequited love. We set off later that day, neither mentioning Xena’s actions the night before. She probably just didn’t want to discuss it if anything had happened, and I sure didn’t want to know if something had. Anything I said I knew would only come out as jealous short and terse comments, which would inevitably wedge a hole between us. I had no claim on Xena, so it would be unfair of me to push this hurt so forcefully onto her already burdened shoulders. No I would wait. Forever if I had to. But I would wait.
Chapter 3 - 26 Years Ago So beautiful. Her head resting in my lap, battered and bruised, but still beautiful. I gently stroked the outlines of her face, mapping the cheeks that grew taut when she was in pain, lips that could show the smallest of a smirk, and eyebrows that could rise independently of each other. I was sat in the Roman jail cell. The same one I had sat in earlier with Americe, Eli and his followers. I had been so certain that Xena would rescue us, yet terrified that if she did the vision would come true. For a moment I had allowed myself to believe that it wouldn’t, and that we would escape with everyone else just like we always did. Xena would be the hero and I would be the bard once again alive to recount the tale. But seeing her fall down…her spine broken by her own Chakram….never have I felt such terror. Such rage. Such love. I didn’t even have to think about it. My mind shut down, my heart the only thing I could hear pounding in my ears as I watched the man about to kill the woman I loved. I threw the spear with such ease and accuracy that anyone watching wouldn’t have believed I had never done it before. I must have killed at least a dozen men in my frenzy to protect my friend before rationality returned and we were surrounded. Even if I had kept fighting, in Xena’s current state the only way to get out of there would have been to kill every soldier, and I didn’t even know how many there were. I now sat, looking at my love and thinking about what had happened. My way had always seemed to be one of peace. I had chosen the Way of Love due to the belief that it was right. It made complete sense, and it was something I felt answered a lot of the questions I had been asking myself the past year. Even Xena had believed it was right for me. But maybe that had been part of the problem. Maybe I had been concentrating so much on myself, finding my way in the world, that I had neglected to ponder on what a path like that could truly mean in a world like ours. Now it seemed my answer was before me. Xena had told me back in Potedia that I was her Way, but later found that her true way was that of a warrior. I had now discovered that mine was not the Way of Love, as everyone had thought. Mine was Xena.
“Won’t be long now” I looked up at the guard that had spoken, as my hand came to rest once more upon my companion’s stomach. It seemed that if there was ever going to be a time to admit my true feelings it would be now, though how I wished it didn’t have to be like this. “Gabrielle?” Xena was looking at me with worry again. I had told her to rest, but I suppose, like me, she wanted to spend these last few precious moments awake. I swallowed heavily. She was growing more concerned, I could see it in the crease of her eyebrows. She knew it was something other than our upcoming crucifixion that was making me nervous. “Xena, I have to tell you something.” Her face softened, encouraging me to continue, though I still didn’t know how I was going to say it. So many times had the words left my lips in the past. So many times had they left hers in reply. I knew that every one of those moments had been in friendship, but this time it had to be said differently. The true meaning had to be there. “What is it Gabrielle? Come on, I’m here,” she whispered, and I found my moist eyes meeting hers, part of me praying I wouldn’t have to say it, but I knew my expression wasn’t going to help me. She had never seen it in my eyes before, even when I had looked at her with such an expression of love and fondness that anyone else would have fallen to the knees from the power of it. No, even then my love had been interpreted as part of our deep bond of friendship, nothing more. “Xena…” I began, trailing off. Gods this was hard. I berated myself for my cowardice, and decided to just spit it out, “I’m in love with you.” Her eyes widened, and I was suddenly afraid that she would attempt to squirm out of my embrace, despite her current back predicament. But she didn’t. Instead a hand reached up to tenderly wipe the now dripping tears from my face. I closed my eyes at the touch, knowing it was her small way of showing me she understood, and that she accepted what I had said. “Oh Gabrielle, I’m so sorry,” she started. I opened my eyes again, looking down at her face and noting the sad look in her eyes. “I’m sorry you have to waste such a beautiful gift on me-“ “-no Xena” I interrupted, placing my fingers over her mouth to prevent any further protests. “I don’t want you feeling sorry for me, and certainly don’t expect anything from you. Loving you has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and nothing can change that.” I removed my fingers when I felt her smile slightly, and I softly brushed the bangs out of her eyes. “You’re just going to have to accept it as it is I’m afraid, because like me, it’s not going anywhere.” We sat there for a few more moments, lost in thoughts about the past, the future. There had been so many times when we had escaped imminent death or come back from the other side. But this felt final, and however selfish of me it seemed, I was glad it was together. It would always be together.
Chapter 4 - 26 Years Ago Pregnant? PREGANANT?! How in Tartarus was she pregnant? I hadn’t seen her with anyone since we had been resurrected. My brain couldn’t fathom the thought of her being with someone. Never mind the fact that I hadn’t noticed. Of course I had done the customary response. I had congratulated her, and I truly meant it. It was wonderful for her to once again be carrying a child. I could see the joy in her eyes at the prospect, the chance to try again. Things had gone so wrong for us in the past in regards to children that she deserved it. Then again the real issue here was how it had happened. “Gabrielle drop it. Please,” Xena pleaded with me. I could tell that it was frustrating even her that she didn’t know. We had left Spamona by now, Joxer and Americe staying there for the time being, though I had a feeling Americe would catch up with us sooner or later. I had questioned Xena calmly one more time, in more of a thoughtful tone than an annoyed one, but still I had been shot down. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was hiding it from me. Maybe she had been with several different men recently, and I just hadn’t noticed. If that was the case then she may not know who it was. Then again, even Xena wasn’t known for having sex that often with complete strangers, and I know my guess about Hercules was way off as we hadn’t seen him since before the crucifixion. She had shot me straight down at my guess of Ares. But whether it was because of the impossibility of the thought, or disgust at it I’ll never know. Though my heart prayed it was the latter.
I sat on my bedroll that evening wondering if it was the right time to start writing about our death. Things had been so up in there air recently that I didn’t seem to have the time or the desire to write. My sais had caused somewhat of a stir, both with Xena and Ares, though in completely different ways. I was intrigued that all of a sudden the God of War had taken an interest in me. Part of me still wondered if it was another tactic to get to Xena, using me in a completely different way to normal. But another part of me remembered everything he had said, and although I knew most of it was twisted words, I also knew that Ares didn’t lie. At least not directly. A deep sigh accompanied my thoughts. Xena was out catching dinner, something I had offered to do to let her rest in her current condition, which I should have known would bring out her competitive streak and mood swings. ‘Not yet dependant’ was what she said before storming off into the woodland. I just hoped the hunting would cool her down. Not much later we were eating dinner, my eyes straying every now and again to my friend’s stomach, not really paying much attention to the food in my bowl. In fact I was picking at it and it seemed she noticed. “Would you stop that Gabrielle!” I looked up in surprise,” What?” “Staring at my stomach. It’s making me nervous and self conscious. Besides I still don’t have any answers for you.” I turned away blushing at being caught. I had to admit, part of me was jealous. Even if Xena didn’t know how it happened, and even if I had accepted that fact, I was still jealous. Someone, somewhere had shared a part of themselves with the woman I loved so much, and there was nothing I could do about it. “I’m sorry,” I said, placing a piece of meat in my mouth to stop myself from saying anything foolish. It seemed however, that Xena’s mood had returned, “Why won’t you accept that I don’t know who the father is?” she glared at me, and I had to put my bowl down for fear of dropping it. “I guess…” “You know why?! I know why. It’s because that little part of you that you don’t want to admit is there wants to know. That little green eyed monster that pops out everytime you feel I’m neglecting you for something or someone else.” I glared back. “How dare you! You think that my entire world revolves around you and how I feel about you?” “Just admit it. You’re jealous.” My anger heightened. Yes it was partially true, but that didn’t give her the right to go accusing me as such. Now my feelings for her were laid out on the table, I had expected more from her than to just grab them and twist them painfully without any regard for how much it would hurt. “You know Xena, you’re right. That’s all there is to it. Just plain jealousy. I can’t have you so I get all green eyed when someone else gives you such a wonderful gift,” the sarcasm dripped from my voice as we stared at each other across the fire, “It couldn’t be concern, or curiosity because my feelings for you cloud my vision so fully that any other thought just bounces away.” I stood up, “I’ve had years learning to deal with my love for you, so don’t you dare cheapen them by saying all I feel about this is jealousy!” I stormed off into the woods, not hearing an ounce of protest from my companion. It seemed we both needed a moment to cool off.
We had made up by morning. Xena had apologised for her actions, partially blaming her new mood swings and lack of sleep for her outlandish behaviour. I had of course apologised again about letting my feelings get the better of me, both about the baby and in regards to my outburst. I didn’t have mood swings to use as a scapegoat. But a line had now been drawn. Despite the circumstances of the argument I knew in my heart that it meant parts of my old fears were coming true. Xena would see an ulterior motive or another reason behind everything I did. I didn’t regret telling her, for she had accepted it, and I felt much better for it being out in the open. But I knew that now it was said, it couldn’t be taken back. I also knew I did have a jealous streak. One that could easily get me into serious trouble. This wasn’t the first time since our resurrection that my eyes had seen nothing but the green hue of envy. The last had been a few months ago, at a time when we were still with Eli. Seeing Ares in that bathing room taking advantage of Xena’s innocent state had pulled anger forth that I had never felt before. But what had hurt is that in that state of mind, Xena had been leaning to kiss him, something I had always wondered if she’d wanted to do, and she had thought nothing of it. We hadn’t talked about it since, but I guess she hadn’t wanted to jump to conclusions or hurt my feelings. I was just learning to live with it. I guess part of me now understood what she was feeling. After all hadn’t Joxer done the exact same thing as me, hiding his love for me and then admitting it but not expecting anything in return? I knew he was still nervous about my reaction to his admission but I hoped that by now he had come to realise that I had accepted his love, even if I could love him the way he wanted me to. Funny how things work out.
Chapter 5 - 1 Year Ago I was feeling very confused. I knew what had happened whilst we were under the influence of the portal to hell. Virgil was still giving me slightly odd looks, as if he suspected I was going to say something to him about the whole experience, but as far as I was concerned there was nothing more to say. Xena on the other hand puzzled me. Whilst with Virgil I had known the whole thing had been loosely based on at least a little physical attraction, the dance I had shared with my friend had been full of feeling and love, at least on my part. I still, however, have no idea how she felt. We had both cleverly managed to avoid the topic so far. She had told me that I was the reason she had been able to pull back from the lure of her dark side, which was wonderful to hear, even after all these years. But it wasn’t what I wanted to know right now. I remember how drawn I was when she had invited me to the floor. I had immediately turned away from Virgil, instead allowing the pull of my heart and the gaze in her eyes to direct me to her waiting hand. The look on her face was like nothing I had ever seen before, and I could have sworn I saw a hint of desire in her eyes as she tilted my head. For me the experience had been exquisite. Never had I had the opportunity to touch her in such a manner. Although a part of me knew she may never do this under normal circumstances, the other part just wanted to enjoy what she was giving me there and then. My jealousy had resurfaced. It was amazing how, despite knowing there was no actual feeling behind the kisses and promises between Xena and Lucifer, just seeing them kissing had hit a nerve. The last time I remember feeling like that had been in Egypt, Antony had really gotten to Xena and I knew it. Maybe that was why I had feared Lucifer so much, that despite her plan and despite her promise that she wasn’t really interested in him, she hadn’t been all herself. At least not the self of the Xena I had grown to know and love. I sighed again looking to the setting sun. Things were definitely getting complicated.
“We need to talk.” I saw Xena close her eyes at my words. I knew she’d been avoiding me and this conversation. To be honest I was surprised I had rustled up the courage, especially since all those years ago I hadn’t about the kiss. She rose, glanced at me, then walked over to Argo and began pretending to retie one of the saddlebags, “I know Gabrielle, but can’t we do it some other time? It’s late an-“ “NO!” I spun her around to face me, “Xena I deserve to know what happened. You’re dismissing my feelings as if they are nothing.” Her eyes met mine and I could see the pain and regret in them. I took a quivering step back, “It meant nothing to you.” The words were mere whispers, my eyes turning away, tears forming within them. I didn’t want Xena to see. The small amount of hope that had crept in once again was shattered, and I wondered how I could let myself feel it in the first place. “Gabrielle, I’m sorry,” Xena said softly, stepping forward warily. She seemed to want to comfort me but was hesitant knowing she was the cause of my grief. I looked back at her, making it clear I wasn’t ready for her comfort, “How many more times Xena? How many more times are you going to give me hope only to dash it when things return to normal?” my voice held a hint of the anger bubbling under the surface. “When have I done it before?” Xena yelled back. I stared at her for a few moments, “You can’t be serious?” “I’m dead serious. When have I, when not under the influence of a blackened heart and the lure of my dark side, done that before?” “WHEN YOU WERE DEAD!” She looked at me stunned, and I could see the wheels turning in her head to make the connection. Her eyes slowly widened as what I was referring to dawned on her. However before she could respond I turned around and walked off. Not necessarily a mature response but I knew anything she said would have only riled me more. It was better to let me cool down and gather myself again.
It was some time later before I found myself able to speak to her without feeling as though I would snap at any excuse. Now it was all out in the open we were amazingly wary of each other. I know I had already told her of my feelings, but I don't believe she knew how far back those feelings had been there, and it meant I had exposed yet another part of myself. A part that was amazingly hurt by being constantly led on a rope, holding out a hope that should have died years ago. I hadn't wanted to let Xena in on that. "I'm sorry, " I apologised, knowing it had to be me that started the conversation. By this point we were walking away from Amphipolis, Eve and Virgil trailing behind us. We had been walking on opposite sides of the horse, each avoiding looking at the other, and I think the other two had caught onto the fact that we had issues we needed privacy to discuss. I heard Xena sigh, "No I'm sorry. I should have thought about the consequences of my actions before dancing with you. I should have taken your feelings into consideration. I honestly don't know why I did it." I looked at her, hearing genuine regret in her voice and not knowing whether to feel pleased that my point had been taken, or more hurt that she felt regret for her actions. "Gabrielle..." "Yes?" I answered, not entirely sure I wanted to hear whatever she was going to say. "Um...about that kiss-" "Xena," I interrupted, "I get it. I was upset, you were technically dead, and you had no way of knowing how I felt back then. It only hurt that not long after that you went off with some guy." She placed a hand on my shoulder and we stopped walking. Her hand came up and pulled my eyes up to meet hers. "That kiss didn't mean nothing. Okay I didn't exactly do it for the reasons you may have done it, at least I don't think I did. But it felt right at the time, and I wasn't sure if I would ever see you again, so I went with my feelings. Exactly what they are I don't know, and to be honest when I returned to life I never gave myself the time to analyse them. But I can clearly see that by not doing so over the years I has caused you much pain. Just give me a little time huh?" My heart was beating faster than I could ever remember it doing so. I couldn't help but stare into her eyes, trying to determine if this was just some way to make me feel better or if she was being completely genuine. I decided just to let it be. Xena smiled at me, it once again lighting up her whole face, and squeezed my shoulder affectionately before continuing down the road. I stared after her for a couple of minutes, absorbing all that had been said, a smile slowly creeping across my own face at the thought. I soon turned to follow her, a small bounce now in my step.
Chapter 6 – Half a year ago We sat together and watched the last rays of sunlight fade until all we could see was a starry night sky. I sighed heavily and lay back on my bedroll, peering over at the poem now sticking out of my bag. Xena continued to surprise me, even after all these years. I turned to look at her and found her staring at me, a puzzled expression on her face. I frowned and sat back up again, placing a hand upon her thigh and feeling it tense under my touch. I pulled my hand back, but not before she grabbed it with her own, lacing our fingers together. I felt her thumb gently stroking the inside of my hand and glanced down before looking back at her, the puzzled expression now on my face. “Xe-“ I began, but she placed a finger upon my lips and shook her head, preventing me from saying anything further. I could feel my skin tingling at her touch as her hand moved around to stroke my cheek lightly before cupping my chin. My breathing quickened and my heart began to beat a little faster as I realised what was happening. Xena leaned forward and I felt my eyes close in anticipation. Our breaths mingled in the night air until finally, after what felt like an eternity, her lips met mine. It began as a light caress, both of us testing the waters so to speak. I believe we were still a little unsure about the reaction of the other, but that began to change as the kiss grew deeper. I allowed my lips to move slowly against hers, revelling in what could only be considered sweet torment as my hand slowly moved up to hold the back of her neck. I heard her moan slightly at the contact, and through that encouragement I opened my mouth and traced my tongue teasingly over her lips. Once her mouth was open to my invasion, the kiss turned from sweet and tender to fiery and urgent, my years of pent up need exploding in a single moment, and suddenly I couldn’t get enough of her. My hands and fingers raked through her hair and grasped in tightly as I climbed into her lap, my knees resting on the floor either side of her legs. I felt her hand rest upon and eventually squeeze my waist, the contact upon my bare skin almost too much to bear. I painfully pulled away, needing to see her eyes and assure myself that this wasn’t just a dream. That I hadn’t just lain down on the bedroll and drifted off into a wonderful fantasy world. “Xena?” I whispered, all of my questions in the one word. “I love you,” she whispered back, her voice raspy making it sound all the more appealing. My head swooned, but I had no time to fall or to even gather my thoughts before she was kissing me again. I decided any discussion on the matter could wait until morning.
I opened my eyes to find another pair staring back at me, and I blushed at the knowledge that Xena had been watching me sleep. “Morning,” she said, a grin appearing on her face but her eyes never wavering. I smiled back, “Morning. How long have you been awake?” She shrugged, “Long enough.” We lay there for a few more minutes, both basking in the morning afterglow of our lovemaking. It had been wonderful. Full of playfulness and passion, two of the things I had always admired most about my friend. “When do we have to get up?” I asked, not at all anxious to move from my comfortable spot. “We don’t. Figured we’d have a lazy day, especially since you’re birthday turned out to be more of an adventure than I had planned.” She answered, her eyes finally dropping away from mine. I smiled again, “That sounds wonderful.” She leaned over and lightly kissed me, and I sighed in complete happiness. Everything seemed to finally be heading in the right direction.
It was later on in the day that the subject was broached. I think Xena was surprised my curiosity hadn’t gotten then best of me earlier on, and to be honest so was I. We were sitting together, Xena’s back against a tree, her arms around my waist, and my hands idly playing with her forearm. I calmly asked her about the day before. “You remember when Caesar messed with the loom?” How could I forget? I had almost lost everything in that world. “Yes.” “Well…I kinda…fell in love with you.” I closed my eyes. A part of me had known that. In that world we had so easily expressed feelings of love and belonging. It had almost been like love at first sight. I remember wondering afterwards if it had just been in that world, or if that had all stemmed from real feelings. After a few minutes Xena spoke again, “When you returned us to the real world I analysed my feelings and found that it hadn’t just been in that world…I had fallen in love with you here as well.” I noted that my hands had stopped moving on her arm at the confession, not quite believing that my ears were telling me. I sat up and turned to look at her. She smiled and caressed my cheek, "That poem was my way of telling you how I truly felt.” A tear slowly made its way down my face and she wiped it away with her finger. Our lips met again in a slow, loving recognition of long repressed feelings, and a continued promise of what was to come.
Epilogue – Present Day The next two of weeks were incredible. We spent a couple of days just relaxing in that meadow, laughing, being close, making love. Xena paid more attention to me and my needs than she had ever done before, saying that she wanted to make up for lost time. I didn’t really mind. When we set out again, everything was emphasised. There was an immense closeness that had been there before but not acknowledged, making it even more special. We stopped often to just kiss. Xena was such a big sap when she was in love and I adored every moment of it. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but just being able to bask in the aftermath of it all was something I was going to relish. Then there was Japa. I’ve never thought a broken heart could feel quite so…real. People tell you how it feels, but nothing can prepare you for it. Standing atop that mountain, holding her ashes, so close to bringing her back only to be told to stop… it wasn’t fair. I had finally gotten everything I had wanted, and I was about to lose it again. But here I sit, writing all of this down without her by my side, because in the end I respected her wishes. For me allowing her to remain dead had nothing to do with the 25,000 souls she said would forever be lost if she had come back. I couldn’t have given a damn, as long as I had her back. But she had asked me not to pour her ashes, and above all else I could not place my own selfish desires above her need to help those she felt she had wronged. By this point I knew it had nothing to do with redemption. This was Xena, the woman I had fallen in love with, doing what she felt to be the right thing. I would have been a fool to stand in her way. One day we will meet again. One day my soul with reunite with its mate. But until then I will travel this world alone, continuing her legacy, and respecting her memory. Farewell Xena. I will always love you.
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